The Poet's Husband

"He sits in the front row, large, a large man with large hands and large ears, dry lips, fresh-cut hair, pink skin, clear eyes that don't blink, a nice man, calm, that's the impression he gives, a quiet man who knows how to listen; he is listening now as she sways on the stage in a short black dress and reads one poem about the time she slit her wrists and another poem about a man she still sees and a third poem about a cruel thing he himself said to her six years ago that she never forgot and never understood, and he knows that when she is finished everyone will clap and a few, mostly women, will come up and kiss her, and she will drink far too much wine, far too quickly, and all the way home she will ask, "What did you think, what did you really thing?" and he will say, "I think it went very well"--which is, in fact, what he does think--but later that night, when she is asleep he will lie in their bed and stare at the moon through a spot on the glass that she missed"

-Molly Giles

"It's a miracle what a male can do to a female. its as if they let out a tune that just makes a girl turn into someone they never thought they could be. Jealous, insanity, unpensive; it's quite irritating really.
It's as if they're Sirens from The Odyssey. They draw you out of the boat only to lead you to your death." - Shannon Blendowski.

the hardest part to accept

is probably that after all this time, you still don't recognize my voice on the phone

and that you feel I treated you like shit when you were the one who had to go the extra mile

it's just unbelievable.

not sure

whether it's better to know

or just never go there

Copeland speaks my mind right about now

"You don't have to be ashamed
'Cause you're a miracle through and through
Oh, and you don't have to be ashamed
Of the miracle inside of you

What has love become?
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
What has love become?

Whoa, your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
Whoa, my heart is in motion
For the movement that's in you

You should not be angry
If all she wants is your money
Oh, you should not be angry
'Cause all you want is her body

What has love become?
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
What has love become?

Whoa, your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing 'cause I'm loved again
Whoa, my heart is in motion
For the rhythm inside you
Whoa, your love is a slow song
It's resounding through my world again
Whoa, my heart is in motion
For the song inside of you

Whoa, your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
Whoa, your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing 'cause I'm loved again
Whoa, your love is a slow song
It's resounding through my world again
Whoa, my heart is in motion
For the song inside of you"

Apparently

it's old-fashioned to meet people halfway, it's not right to make an effort despite what you say. Apparently, glasses are never just half-empty or half-full, they're either overflowing or deserted completely. Because nobody anymore gives a care about the human race.

Apparently, all we are capable of anymore is gazing in a broken mirror at our redesigned face, in the light of a fate that simultaneously decides itself, because karma is a bitch and when we can't discern tolerance from hate, our future that was so bright so short a time ago, will be justifiably erased.

Apparently, we're at a place in world history where we shield solely what we believe in. Which these days, proves how our society is a place of virtue that has become far too thin. Or maybe it isn't personal principles we protect, but just our individual selves. This is why secrets emerge and tear us apart. And when division is applied to the equation of mankind, we are shown blatantly that people are selfishly single-minded and don't mind to lie

. .. i wish that made more sense.

Oh, you

whenever I sing songs speaking of "love" or break-ups and that sort, I always feel extremely attached to the relatable, impersonal "you" figure at whom the song is directed towards

I've never loved. And therefore, I can hardly say that I've lost.

but somehow I feel the need to blast angry break-up songs when I think of him. and certain lyrics remind me of certain, past guys I've had things with.

Maybe this is normal, maybe it isn't

but I hate how pathetic I appear and feel because of this tendency

regardless of personal preference

today is one of the greatest days in our history, just accept it

Francoise Sagan = genius

"A strange melancholy pervades me to which I hesitate to give the grace and beautiful name of sorrow. The idea of sorrow has always appealed to me but now I am almost ashamed of its complete egoism. I have known boredom, regret, and occasionally remorse, but never sorrow. Today it envelops me like a silken web, enervating and soft, and sets me apart from everybody else."

I'm glad I read Bonjour Tristesse today. and I'm glad I read No one belongs here more than you yesterday. Those two books are currently sinking into my thoughts like quicksand, and it's helping me although it doesn't first appear that way.

I'm feeling extreme loneliness these past few days. I think I ended things with him and I wasn't really fully ready to, and I was immature about it. I know that this isn't going to raise from the dead. But there's that part of my subconscious that's really, really hoping and planning on the idea that it will.

I just want to feel carefree again. It always seems as if I'm grasping for this figure in my life that I've always envisioned at my side although I've never had him, and I have no idea what mutual caring really even is. I've been eluding myself this entire time, and how i feel now is the product of all that's been piled upon my small, insignificant shoulders.

I just need a healthy way out. And a will to keep on keepin' on...which seems impossible from this vantage but I know I can.

I am

the tea light in the black hole.

I took this title for my blog from a short, forgotten piece I wrote awhile back and I understand now why it means so much to me.

i have so much potential to push out the darkness in my house, my school, my city, my country. I can change the world.

I haven't felt like this in so long and I'm just welcoming it with open arms.

I have my life in place. I know what matters, and this will serve as a future reminder to myself of what I am and what I need to continue to be:

I am a follower of my Lord Jesus Christ and I forever will be. He is the only one who can fulfill me this way. No one else comes even close to where He and I stand, nobody can touch us.

I will cry out as long as I live that I am fully His. I will forever recognize that Jesus died for my sins, for my redemption. He gave His life so that I, and insignificant, unworthy sinner, could be saved. He loves me. And that's what matters most to me now, and hopefully forever.

So when our wandering brothers and sisters sin, when I am being tugged to the end of my rope, if I ever again fail in the forgiving eyes of my Savior, when the darkness of our society descends upon my vision, engulfing my life, I'm going to pull Him out from inside of me and use it as my tea light in this black hole.

boats n hoes!

Good Time Max

Max: Even the most seemingly random events have logic behind them. As far as my life goes, I know exactly what I'm doing. Geniuses don't make mistakes, they just instigate their own problems so that they could be worked out with deeper insight. 

Old Addict: Chaos is harder to embrace.. it's scarier thinking there's no one out there lookin' out for us. 

Max: Just smoke, man

I made my new years resolution

gonna stop making an effort that'll just be lost on its receiver

gonna stop with this whole letting myself get my hopes wayy high up

don't press my face to the floor and call it a ceiling

first day back at school today and i guess it couldn't have been any better. not that i was anticipating some great day, i mean come on, it's school for Christ's sake.

I guess I've realized how near impossible it is for me to move, to think, and to just breathe in the environment I'm in at my school.

I'm surrounded by a void of creativity and a lack of wanting to learn. Everybody is just moaning and groaning about their lackluster grades when they don't even try and when they sign up for bullshit classes, and I'm really sick of listening to that crap.

People call me lucky for my straight A's, but that's because I work my butt off to put myself in the academic place that I'm in.

See, I have goals and aspirations and unlike most that I'm surrounded by, I'm actively chasing these things. I want to go somewhere in life and I'm not gonna whine when I know I'm not giving a single effort.

I'm just sick of people surrounding me with their negativity. My school has this "ughhh" atmosphere and I mean honestly, or at least for me, school isn't all that bad except for having to wake up early.. I actually enjoy most of my classes and even if I don't, I still try my very hardest to do well in them. 

I just really wanna get outta this small, twat town so I can start living a better life. This is as good as it gets around here, but I want more than what I'm enclosed in

M83 clip that's staying with me:

"I'm going to jump the walls and run
I wonder if they'll miss me?
I won't miss them
The cemetery is my home
I want to be a part of it
Invisible even to the night
Then I'll read poetry to the stones
Maybe one day I could be one of them
Wise and silent
Waiting for someone to love me
Waiting for someone to kiss me
I'm fifteen years old
And I feel it's already too late to live
..Don't you?"

shit hits the fan

and I can't ever seem to escape it